Deenie\’s world

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What if he knew? October 8, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — deenie @ 11:53 pm

In Junior High, I knew a boy who was very special. Okay, I didn’t actually KNOW him, know him. But I knew him in a sense that he was popular and his antics always drew attention. By antics I mean he’d make loud, borderline mean jokes at the expense of others during class. I had two classes with him: math and science. Something drew me to him, and it wasn’t just his clear blue eyes, or the way they turned down at the sides. It wasn’t his dark brown hair that fluffed over his forehead, or the sprinkling of freckles across his nose. It may have been a combination of his naughty sense of humor, plus his reckless tendency to try and make me squirm while looking me straight in the eye. In a sea of American adolescents trying so desperately to conform, he made it a point to stand apart. He simply didn’t give a damn what anyone thought. His eyes told me that. They looked bored… lazy. He had better places to be. 

It was common knowledge at the time that he’d been the first boy in our class to have sex. While the girl he slept with (let’s call her Jan) was instantly labelled a slut, he attained the status of a hero beyond his years. They dated on and off for several months. But back to me. So there I was, in biology class, when something strange happened. The boy (let’s call him Shane) was suddenly standing in front of me. With a goofy grin, he asked if we could be lab partners. Caught off guard by the fact that he had something to say to me that wasn’t a blatant insult, I was speechless. I managed to nod yes.  I don’t remember many more encounters, besides the day we had to dissect a frog. Terrified, I stood several feet away while Shane pulled the frog carcass (or whatever it’s called) out of a box. With a mischievous laugh, he flung the dead frog across a row of desks. It bounced over the wooden surfaces as though it were alive. I remember squealing in terror. The following year, Shane was expelled from school because he got caught doing drugs. I’m not sure what happened after that, but I heard he seriously cleaned up his act afterwards, and while the rest of us were finishing up high school, he was excelling elsewhere. He shed the junkie lifestyle and got serious. I heard he was dating a sweet and pretty (but kind of nerdy) girl from our school. I didn’t know her. I don’t think anyone did. But I saw them having dinner at the cozy Italian restaurant I worked at. It was too cute for words. The bad boy gone good, and the good girl who had captured his heart. 

They looked serious, though, that night. It’s what I remember most. While they were clearly very “together”, enjoying each other’s company, there was a grimness about their expressions. They were only teens, but they looked like two adults with something serious on their minds. Months later, I found out why. Because that’s when Shane died of cancer.  If I could go back, just for one day, to seventh grade math class, I would look Shane in the eye and tell him how beautiful I thought he was. I’d tell him how sorry I was that his life would be cut short; that he’d have to squeeze his whole world into a few more fleeting, unrelenting years.    What if he’d known it was only a matter of time? What if everyone knew? Would our math teacher still have yelled at him for making fun of my stupid hat?  Yes, Shane stands apart from the rest of us, even now, after his death. But we’re all going to follow, eventually, aren’t we?

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12 Responses to “What if he knew?”

  1. istas Says:

    Oh you’re story really gave me Goosebumps… that’s so sad. I loved how you described Shane and his girlfriend, “They were only teens, but they looked like two adults with something serious on their minds.” Oh it’s so sad… It reminded me of a movie that Mandy Moore stars in; I forgot what it’s called… I love how you described his eyes, ‘bored & lazy’… eventually we will follow yes, that’s why we have to make the most of each day, because no one knows whets destined for tomorrow… one more thing, isn’t it every girls dream to tame a bad boy?

    Keep it up Deenie! Don’t disappear on us again! Great post I really enjoyed reading it 🙂

  2. deenie Says:

    Thanks Iz,

    I’m really glad you enjoyed it. And you’re right, it IS sad. but then I guess we have to (like you said) take it as a sign or a sort of reminder to live each day to the max.

    I know exactly what movie you’re talking about: A Walk to Remember, right? It’s a good one 🙂

    Taming a bad boy definitely has its appeal, but then again, I don’t know if that’s what I’d ultimately want to do. I think I’d prefer it if my guy is already tame when I find him. I know it sounds boring, but I’d choose boring over shaky and unstable, which is what i’d always feel was lurking beneath the surface of a bad boy who had to be tamed. I guess I feel like his wild spirit would be suppressed, and it would want to get out eventually, and take me by surprise… and as you know, I’m not big on suprises. I just can’t stand the thought of suppressing anyone’s spirit.

    OK… I think I read into that WAY too much… Never mind me… 🙂

    Thanks for reading my post Izzi!

  3. I thought you were in Jordan!

    Anyways, say whatever you wanna say to the people around you now because you never know when you won’t see them again.

  4. deenie Says:

    Mechanical: I am in Jordan now, but I used to live in the US. You’re right… it’s freaky to think that no one is here for good. Eventually, every one of us will disappear. Thanks for reading

  5. istas Says:

    fada7tini ya deenie ARRGGHHHH HHH !!! now everybody knows where i live tooo hehehehe

  6. Danah Says:

    Hey deenie .. that was a sweet life-story of a sad ending .. I liked they way you’ve described things.. and it made me wonder , how we always look at those famous popular figures whom we encounter with closely in different stages of our lives, and sometimes come to love and admire , thinking that they are to stay the same forever , to be smacked later with the news of their early departure , or at least the strong twist in their life path to an expected path ..

  7. MSB Says:

    reminded me of a couple guys in my school who have passed away too.. one of whom was always made fun of in 6th grade. problem is, kids or adults, most of the time, we forget that we’re not here forever.

    sad story.

  8. deenie Says:

    Danah: Yes, that’s so true! And it’s also a fact that we NEVER really know how things will turn out. We must always expect the unexpected. Otherwise, we’ll always feel as though a rug has been snatched from underneath our feet. Caught off guard, surprised and unprepared. But then again, we can never truly be prepared for the unknown.

    MSB: Thanks for your reply. Isn’t death the saddest thing ever? But to me, it’s not necessarily sad for the one who died – it’s sad for all those left on Earth who loved him… because they’re left in the dark. And they’re left missing someone they’ll probably never see again.

    Eerie, isn’t it?

    It’s not that I want to be here on Earth forever… but one thing’s for sure – I don’t want to be taken away by surprise, with no time for contemplation.

  9. Maijaury Says:

    Well gurl,
    I did not know you had this much of a talent in writing. I really enjoyed reading.

    Great blog Deenie 🙂

  10. Emily Says:

    Hi Deenie!!! So did those stuff happen in real life?

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